Of guilt and regret.........

Somewhere this has to stop.

I toss and turn in my bed, at the dead of the night, at a time when more than half the world at my end is fast asleep, at a time when someone somewhere is burning the midnight oil while many a counterpart are having fun getting drunk, going wild, partying or are hooked on to the internet, at a time when a petty thief is trying to break into some house somewhere, while the Indian cop is on the roads with the breath analyzer in hand and pockets with bills and at a time when a homeless man finds a spot somewhere on the roads of the city to lay down and be greeted by the summer heat escaping from the ground below him.

The provocative question of 'life ahead' comes drilling into my head and I change my position on the bed, tossing and turning; lazy to sit upright but a position comfortable enough to think with my fingers.

On the wall adjoining my bed,in the glow of my mobile screen, I can see what lies ahead of me, playing like an Eastman color movie on a white cloth, clear but a bit distorted from excessive usage of the reel. A movie which has been played umpteen times and every time, some serious thinking gets into the head, the effect intensifying everytime it's played.

I write lines and I delete them,trying to make a confession, but unable to proceed further; guilt prevailing. Guilt which makes you weak in your legs, guilt which mentally transcends you to another state even when the world around you is literally falling apart and is gone by the snap of your fingers, guilt which doesn't give you enough courage to confess and confide and guilt which beats the hell out of you over and over again.

But this can't go on.

This has to stop.

For now.Forever.

I need my peace of mind and my courage to work.

What is lost is lost.No regrets.

What lays ahead matters.Grab it.

Master the mind.It's a complete freak.

Start living the moment from now itself.

Well.I lay plonk on my bed to sleep for now, only with some confidence that I can keep the lid tight on my head till the time the morning rays pierce my retina, hit the grey matter and start 'just another day' in my life. Now with a difference.

New beginning,a fierce battle. I have fought many in the past and this just got bigger. No regrets.

--->KN

Ambiguous

Feb13,2011

Just a day before the Valentines Day, I made the most horrible mistake ever.Things just went beyond my control and I tried my best then, but nothing could be done.The most unimaginable and abominable thing happened in our lives.We hit the roadblock and nothing could be done.

The consequences were bad.I took a few days to recover and get back to my normal life.I so wanted you badly then.I wanted to say sorry,but that wouldn't undo what had already happened.You were at your place,under caring hands.Me,on the other hand was drifting away in your thoughts.

As the days went by I only became more anxious.Sitting idle I would think of the days I first met you,our outings,the time we spent together,the time spent with our friends and a what not!I kept inquiring about you through my sources and I was assured that you were doing well,slowly recovering and in no time you would be yourself,again.That was one huge relief for me, but I only wanted you to get back to me.

Friends,acquaintances and all those connected to us called me for support.We all started missing you very much but there was nothing we could actually do.We waited and waited,just to see if anything would happen in the days to come.I only kept striking off the calender, counting the days, just hoping if I would see you ever again.

A few days earlier I got the news that a lot has happened in the past two months and we might never meet again as you may find a new place and move on.That day I was distressed to the depths.

Looking at my dejected state,friends and family offered me support.They said that life was such that we tend to loose people and things we love at some point of time or the other.That was some convincing, but I couldn't get over you.You were etched too deep into my heart to be erased.

Finally it was my father who acted.He met those caring hands of yours and did his best,like any father would.He didn't wait and think of what was to come but he knew what I wanted.And it was reasonable enough.

Unknown of the above fact,I got a call later in the evening that you were finally coming home.I was very frozen for a moment,digesting this fact that we were meeting finally.I ran downstairs and started waiting for you at the gate.

There you were!Gleaming with the aura you posses,sparkling eyes,gliding along-firm but silent,beautiful and bit of a stunner !We finally meet.My joy knew no bounds and I went crazy all over the place.Your name was on my lips and I told every soul alive on the earth of your home coming.Everyone had a reason to be happy then.

Now that we are back together again,I assure you that never in my life will I or even let anyone else cause any harm to you.We shall dodge and kick any harm coming our way and continue our smooth journey towards our destination.

With love

--->KN

Well.Though the fact is that my lover can't read/hear/see things by herself,my touch is something that she can feel for sure.

Dear readers.Thanks for patiently reading through the post but it might annoy you that I have just personified my car as my lover.And it might further add to your annoyance that it is a 15 year old Maruti 800(Fondly called as 'The Beast or 'The Jag')'.It has always been part and parcel of my life and has it's share of the minuscule success I have had in my life to-date.

Next time you see one white Maruti plying on the roads of Hyderabad,shining,looking brand new,and the numbers on the license plate adds to 9 ,and you feel that it's travelling a bit beyond it's engine capacity given it's age and you also feel that the driver is rash,feel free to catch up and knock on my window to say Hi!

My reasons for absence

May 2010-Nov 2010

Please don't visit me again

What's happening?
Nothing dude.You suck.


Why is my life so boring?
You don't have a life!Face it!


Does this happen to everyone?
To hell with you!Don't compare your life to others!


What can I do bout this?
Crib!!!Hahahahahahahaha!!


Another monotonous phase of my life....another attempt to make it interesting.

Off late, I have been searching for a topic to write.CRAP!! was the only thing I could hit upon.

I have been busy listening to people(classes), trying to make some money(training i.e. office), carrying bricks around(books), and accumulating unused energy(fat guys!fat!). My legs have become used to staying idle for most of time as I didn't use them much.My fingers weren't used for anything else other than holding a pen and typing on the keyboard. My eyes saw nothing but people, people and more people. All that my ears could hear was unnecessarily complicated and undecipherable lessons.

To get straight to the point

!!  I WAS ATTENDING CLASSES  !!

The result:

-Additional 6 hours of sleep daily.
-An experience that a watch is on top of 'must have' list of a student.
-Ability to sleep in the rear seat of my car with the windows up.
-Increase in the frequency on my phone usage(only Airtel was benefited from it.)
-New friends!
-Criminal wastage of paper. ITC must have cut down at least a dozen trees for my notebooks.

-Enormous amounts of stationary.

-Barrels and barrels of fuel burnt for my transportation.

-An added experience of 7,000 kms on Hyderabadi roads.

-11 traffic violations,one license detention,exchange of abuses.

-Consumption of outside food resulting in a bigger tummy.

-A professional's collection of caricatures and sketches.(you can find many on the benches too.)

-Access to girls who NEVER respond to you.

-A first hand experience in 'How to skip chapters as a teacher-an insight'

-A phase of 'I-haven't-watched-any-movies'.

-An amazing feeling that I have a much better life when compared to the first bencher's.

-A crappy feeling that the course is indeed tough!

And so....

BUNK CLASSES  !  ENJOY LIFE  !  YOU ARE YOUR BEST TEACHER  !! 

Disclaimer:

I have no relation whatsoever to the persons depicted in the pictures above.The copyrights of the above pictures lies with the persons who have that face or the person who has insured/hypothecated/mortgaged that person or his face,or the person or organisation who feels that he/she has the rights vested with him/her.I don't have any time to face legal action as I'm busy attending classes.

Also,characters mentioned in the above post are not fiction or imaginary and do resemble living persons.Any resemblance to any persons is true and NOT coincidental.

A random post.......................

"I'm coming!I'm coming!"

I hung up.Atleast Sneha was coming.She is one person whom I can rely on always.Lateef was busy at office and Sravya had someone coming home for lunch.

I wanted to get new specs.Well that's what personifies the nerdness in me.I wanted someone to do the selection for me so that I don't get something which puts me really out of place.

I had to pick her up from her clients place which was right opposite lifestlye."The gate right after the signals!Don't miss it!".She warned me.I started from home
15 minutes later in the afternoon sun.The heat wave after the torrential rain left many indoors.

A few moments later my phone started vibrating.My guess was that it's Sneha calling up to say that she had work,leaving me to my own fate.I pulled the phone from my pocket only to see a call from some unknown number."Thank God!".I switched on the loudspeaker and held the phone in my hand.
Me:Hello!?
Anonymous:Hello.Is it Kilash Nath??
Me:Sorry ma'am.I'm a student.I don't need any policies.Thanks for calling.And my name is not Kilash.It's Kailash.
Anonymous:I'm calling from XYZ coaching center.We have a demo class tomorrow at 10.30 a.m
Me:I've been there yesterday for the demo session.Thanks for calling me.
Anonymous:But that was a recorded session.Tomorrow it's a live class.We are expecting you tomorrow also.I will call you in the evening again to give you a reminder.
Awesome!How about giving me a wake up call tomorrow!
Me:Sorry maa'm.I've got work tomorrow.I'll see if I can make it.
I hung up before the lady said something.

Now this is what I call a slice of bad luck.The Hyderabadi cop caught me on the phone moments before I hung up.I always wondered how they could look into a car with the tinted windows pulled up.He stood right on the path signalling me to pull over.Look around!Try to evade him!My mind was screaming! There was nothing I could do.I surrendered.
Cop:Why do you talk on the phone while driving?
Me:As if you care!Nah.I'm not talking.I was listening to songs.See I have got no stereo in my car.
Cop:Aisa kyun bolte saab!!!Aap tho baat kar rahe the!Bada saab udhar hai.Fine badado.
Me:Arre.Main bhi gaana gaa raha thu.Phone pein baatein nahi!
Cop:Aisa mat bolna saab!Fine badadho.
Me:Jaldi bolan.Jaane ka time hora.Kitna?
Cop:200 rupaye dedo aur chale jao.
Me:Fine badha doonga.Receipt dedo.
Cop:Final baat!Ek sow rupaye.
I opened up my purse.I thought that it was a fair deal.I had no hundred rupee note with me.
Me:Change nahi hai!Kya karoon!?
Cop:Woh paanch sow rupay ka note dedo.Mein change doonga.
Awesome!Temme what else is in my wallet.I'll give you more!

Transaction complete.
                                                                  *  *  *                                                                                                                                                It was my turn at the signal and I was about to cross, when a MCH van from the other side crossed my path,stopping all the vehicles on my side.I edged forward again and this time there were two bikes jumping the signal.A dud policeman was standing over there.He shouted at me "Woh log jaarena!Dekh nai sakte!?"
This time I decided that I shouldn't loose.I shouted "Tera baap ka road hai bey gaandu!?Signal dekh nai sakta bey!?" and sped away.I forgot Sneha's warning.I missed the gate.

I pulled over to the side,put on the parking lights and messaged her "Was busy shouting at d police walah.Missed the gate".Moments later she replied "Have seen u miss it.M cming."

She arrived two minutes later.I was observing her from the rear view mirror.The almost 6 footer(5'11'' to be specific) look great as usual.She was wearing a yellow salwar kameez with nice design on it(that's the best description of the dress I can give).She was carrying herself with that air of authority which commands respect and which reflects decency.Her impeccable dressing sense complete with her penchant for nail polish made her one complete teenager.The looks were attracting the pedestrians and two wheelers.

I opened the door for her from inside.
"Kailasssshhhh!!!"
"Snehhhhaaaa!!!"

"Kailash I feel so ackward sitting here!" The leg space wasn't sufficient.So I adjusted the seat a little.We started talking random stuff.Literally everything.I'm always comfortable with her(and even around the other two mentioned above.They rock!).

We reached the optical store,stopped the car in the valet parking and walked towards the store.The store welcomed everyone with "Frames starting at Rs.395 only".
"Welcome Sir!How do I help you?"
I told the guy that I wanted to get the eye testing done and a new pair of specs made.The guy there told me to select the frame of my choice in the mean time as another customer was getting his eyes tested.

"Wat kinda stuff are you lookin for?"
"Frameless "
"Yeah.Good decision."

We started looking around.First the price tag,then the frame."2.5K,2K,3K,3.5K,3.8K,5K,7.2K,9K,10K,11K!What kind of people would wear these?!"
"Whats your budget?"
"2K"
Just before I was about to react,Sneha spun around and shouted "Is there anyone to help us out or are we left for ourselves!?"
Hehehehe!
The guy who told me to look around came to us.He asked me for the type of frame I was looking for and when I told him what I wanted,he grabbed a frame from the display and started twisting it.Literally.
"Sir this is from Hugo Boss.Made with Titanium.Very light in weight and very flexible.Definitely a good choice."
I took it from his hand and looked at the price tag and gave it to Sneha.
"10K?Does anyone buy stuff like this?My budget is 2K.I want to get everything made within that range.Do you have that stuff or not?"
Amazing!
The guy smiled and led us to another counter and started pulling out frames for me to try on.
"Is this the stuff you have?Or do you have anything else?"
He turned away from the wall display and rotated a portable stand which was right behind us.
"Try this blue or the red one.They look awesome."
"2K?I still need to get the lens.On top of it there is VAT on this!"
"Kailash.Can you please stop it.It's just a matter of few hundred buck.It's worth spending it."
"I think this black one is good.It costs 895 only."
"The glasses are too big."
"Sir we can get the glass cut to your specification."
"OK.So can I get this type of glass in this frame?",I asked him holding the 2K one and the 895 frame in both my hands.
"Yes Sir that's possible!"
Optimal utilisation of resources for maximum satisfaction.
We were asked to wait for the eye test.Apparently the customer was having a problem deciding whether she found 0.5 better or 0.75 better.

We got back to talking again.After a good five minutes she called the guy and said "Will it take forever?We'll only end up talking here.In the mean while why don't you tell us about the different type of lens you have?"
The guy sat down on the chair facing us and took out a sheet of paper which had a form on one side and which was plain on the other side.
"Sir there are basically three types of lens we offer.Nikon,Kodak and our very own brand of lens.Since you are goin for frameless,I recommend Nikon SLR for you sir.It is 95% unbreakable,is smudge proof,has light transition of 97% and has an anti dust coat too".He went on and on about it and finally said "This costs 2750 and comes with one year warranty."
Before he moved on to the next brand we asked him "Can you please tell us about the cheapest anti-glare lens that I can get here?"
"Sir you can go for our brand of lens which costs you 650.But the thing is that it is 50% breakable and has got 95% transition of light"
"What difference does it make in two percent?"
"Sir it makes a lot of difference!"
"I don't care!All I want is an anti-glare lens."
"Sir you please fill up this form.We can get your test done after this."

After filling up the form I called him.He came,took it from me and said "Sorry sir,we have a power cut right now....."
Screw you!You don't even have a power backup!!!???

We walked into the bakery next door.
Sneha looked around and said "I've never been here.This place looks good!"
She wanted to have a paneer puff.Then she walked towards the pastries section and stood there.A small pastry with a voilet topping looked attractive.
"What is this?"
"Blueberry cheese cake"
"Whatever.I want one."

 There was a couple standing to our left were deciding what to eat.The guy had a hair styling which was originally intended to look dandy but which eventually ended up as a blunder.He had large round eyes which I thought would pop out if he opened his eyes really wide and his upper teeth were protruding forward.He wore a branded casual shirt(bare denim),branded jeans(wrangler),a decent watch and had a high end phone.He looked lost talking to the guy over the counter.The girl on the other hand was fair but kinda looked them.Both of them I feel belong to the category 'all-I-need-is-a-girl/boy-friend' types.
"I want that",the girl said pointing to some coloured pastry.
"How much??"
We were stunned for a moment!(Da!)
"52 rupees"
The boy turned towards the girl and mumbled something.All that we could hear was '52'
Both of them walked out.
"What kind of a boy and what kind of a girl!And how dumb is the girl not to carry any money just because he is there to pay!"

I went to the counter and took the coupon.Sneha was standing and looking at the different cakes on display.There was a particular cake which was round and fully white in colour.On the top,there were thin rectangular slices of chocolate lining the perimiter of the circle like a fence.In the middle there was lot of chocolate in lumps filling up the area inside the fence.
"Doesn't that look like cow dung??"

"Hello.Busy?OK.Listen.How do I end this post?"


"What are you talking about!?Your blog!?How can I guess??"


"Oh yeah.Alright.I'm writing about all the things that happened yesterday"


"Why?What's so interesting in that?Moreover there are much better thing you can write about."


"Don't ask me why.I was bored in the tax class.So I took out my phone and started typing it out.It ended as a big post"


"What happened to the Part-II of your story??"


"That will be out in a day or two.First temme what to do with this post."


"Dude.That's your blog and your post.Write what comes to your mind.The readers are at your mercy"


"Hmmm....k.Will do something.Anyways wassup..................

--->KN    


P.S:For those who are wondering what the story is,here is the link http://nerdbase.blogspot.com/2010/05/nerds-journeypart-i.html


And for those who are waiting for the next part of the story,all I want to say is that it will be out in a day or two.My tax classes are getting boring day by day.