Sunday, May 15, 2011

Of guilt and regret.........

Somewhere this has to stop.

I toss and turn in my bed, at the dead of the night, at a time when more than half the world at my end is fast asleep, at a time when someone somewhere is burning the midnight oil while many a counterpart are having fun getting drunk, going wild, partying or are hooked on to the internet, at a time when a petty thief is trying to break into some house somewhere, while the Indian cop is on the roads with the breath analyzer in hand and pockets with bills and at a time when a homeless man finds a spot somewhere on the roads of the city to lay down and be greeted by the summer heat escaping from the ground below him.

The provocative question of 'life ahead' comes drilling into my head and I change my position on the bed, tossing and turning; lazy to sit upright but a position comfortable enough to think with my fingers.

On the wall adjoining my bed,in the glow of my mobile screen, I can see what lies ahead of me, playing like an Eastman color movie on a white cloth, clear but a bit distorted from excessive usage of the reel. A movie which has been played umpteen times and every time, some serious thinking gets into the head, the effect intensifying everytime it's played.

I write lines and I delete them,trying to make a confession, but unable to proceed further; guilt prevailing. Guilt which makes you weak in your legs, guilt which mentally transcends you to another state even when the world around you is literally falling apart and is gone by the snap of your fingers, guilt which doesn't give you enough courage to confess and confide and guilt which beats the hell out of you over and over again.

But this can't go on.
This has to stop.
For now.Forever.

I need my peace of mind and my courage to work.

What is lost is lost.No regrets.
What lays ahead matters.Grab it.
Master the mind.It's a complete freak.
Start living the moment from now itself.

Well.I lay plonk on my bed to sleep for now, only with some confidence that I can keep the lid tight on my head till the time the morning rays pierce my retina, hit the grey matter and start 'just another day' in my life. Now with a difference.

New beginning,a fierce battle. I have fought many in the past and this just got bigger. No regrets.