Sunday, December 26, 2010

My reasons for absence

May 2010-Nov 2010
Please don't visit me again

What's happening?
Nothing dude.You suck.

Why is my life so boring?
You don't have a life!Face it!

Does this happen to everyone?
To hell with you!Don't compare your life to others!

What can I do bout this?

Another monotonous phase of my life....another attempt to make it interesting.

Off late, I have been searching for a topic to write.CRAP!! was the only thing I could hit upon.

I have been busy listening to people(classes), trying to make some money(training i.e. office), carrying bricks around(books), and accumulating unused energy(fat guys!fat!). My legs have become used to staying idle for most of time as I didn't use them much.My fingers weren't used for anything else other than holding a pen and typing on the keyboard. My eyes saw nothing but people, people and more people. All that my ears could hear was unnecessarily complicated and undecipherable lessons.

To get straight to the point


The result:

-Additional 6 hours of sleep daily.
-An experience that a watch is on top of 'must have' list of a student.
-Ability to sleep in the rear seat of my car with the windows up.
-Increase in the frequency on my phone usage(only Airtel was benefited from it.)
-New friends!
-Criminal wastage of paper. ITC must have cut down at least a dozen trees for my notebooks.
-Enormous amounts of stationary.
-Barrels and barrels of fuel burnt for my transportation.
-An added experience of 7,000 kms on Hyderabadi roads.
-11 traffic violations,one license detention,exchange of abuses.
-Consumption of outside food resulting in a bigger tummy.
-A professional's collection of caricatures and sketches.(you can find many on the benches too.)
-Access to girls who NEVER respond to you.
-A first hand experience in 'How to skip chapters as a teacher-an insight'
-A phase of 'I-haven't-watched-any-movies'.
-An amazing feeling that I have a much better life when compared to the first bencher's.
-A crappy feeling that the course is indeed tough!

And so....


I have no relation whatsoever to the persons depicted in the pictures above.The copyrights of the above pictures lies with the persons who have that face or the person who has insured/hypothecated/mortgaged that person or his face,or the person or organisation who feels that he/she has the rights vested with him/her.I don't have any time to face legal action as I'm busy attending classes.
Also,characters mentioned in the above post are not fiction or imaginary and do resemble living persons.Any resemblance to any persons is true and NOT coincidental.

Sunday, June 6, 2010

A random post.......................

"I'm coming!I'm coming!"

I hung up.Atleast Sneha was coming.She is one person whom I can rely on always.Lateef was busy at office and Sravya had someone coming home for lunch.

I wanted to get new specs.Well that's what personifies the nerdness in me.I wanted someone to do the selection for me so that I don't get something which puts me really out of place.

I had to pick her up from her clients place which was right opposite lifestlye."The gate right after the signals!Don't miss it!".She warned me.I started from home
15 minutes later in the afternoon sun.The heat wave after the torrential rain left many indoors.

A few moments later my phone started vibrating.My guess was that it's Sneha calling up to say that she had work,leaving me to my own fate.I pulled the phone from my pocket only to see a call from some unknown number."Thank God!".I switched on the loudspeaker and held the phone in my hand.
Anonymous:Hello.Is it Kilash Nath??
Me:Sorry ma'am.I'm a student.I don't need any policies.Thanks for calling.And my name is not Kilash.It's Kailash.
Anonymous:I'm calling from XYZ coaching center.We have a demo class tomorrow at 10.30 a.m
Me:I've been there yesterday for the demo session.Thanks for calling me.
Anonymous:But that was a recorded session.Tomorrow it's a live class.We are expecting you tomorrow also.I will call you in the evening again to give you a reminder.
Awesome!How about giving me a wake up call tomorrow!
Me:Sorry maa'm.I've got work tomorrow.I'll see if I can make it.
I hung up before the lady said something.

Now this is what I call a slice of bad luck.The Hyderabadi cop caught me on the phone moments before I hung up.I always wondered how they could look into a car with the tinted windows pulled up.He stood right on the path signalling me to pull over.Look around!Try to evade him!My mind was screaming! There was nothing I could do.I surrendered.
Cop:Why do you talk on the phone while driving?
Me:As if you care!Nah.I'm not talking.I was listening to songs.See I have got no stereo in my car.
Cop:Aisa kyun bolte saab!!!Aap tho baat kar rahe the!Bada saab udhar hai.Fine badado.
Me:Arre.Main bhi gaana gaa raha thu.Phone pein baatein nahi!
Cop:Aisa mat bolna saab!Fine badadho.
Me:Jaldi bolan.Jaane ka time hora.Kitna?
Cop:200 rupaye dedo aur chale jao.
Me:Fine badha doonga.Receipt dedo.
Cop:Final baat!Ek sow rupaye.
I opened up my purse.I thought that it was a fair deal.I had no hundred rupee note with me.
Me:Change nahi hai!Kya karoon!?
Cop:Woh paanch sow rupay ka note dedo.Mein change doonga.
Awesome!Temme what else is in my wallet.I'll give you more!

Transaction complete.
                                                                  *  *  *                                                                                                                                                It was my turn at the signal and I was about to cross, when a MCH van from the other side crossed my path,stopping all the vehicles on my side.I edged forward again and this time there were two bikes jumping the signal.A dud policeman was standing over there.He shouted at me "Woh log jaarena!Dekh nai sakte!?"
This time I decided that I shouldn't loose.I shouted "Tera baap ka road hai bey gaandu!?Signal dekh nai sakta bey!?" and sped away.I forgot Sneha's warning.I missed the gate.

I pulled over to the side,put on the parking lights and messaged her "Was busy shouting at d police walah.Missed the gate".Moments later she replied "Have seen u miss it.M cming."

She arrived two minutes later.I was observing her from the rear view mirror.The almost 6 footer(5'11'' to be specific) look great as usual.She was wearing a yellow salwar kameez with nice design on it(that's the best description of the dress I can give).She was carrying herself with that air of authority which commands respect and which reflects decency.Her impeccable dressing sense complete with her penchant for nail polish made her one complete teenager.The looks were attracting the pedestrians and two wheelers.

I opened the door for her from inside.

"Kailash I feel so ackward sitting here!" The leg space wasn't sufficient.So I adjusted the seat a little.We started talking random stuff.Literally everything.I'm always comfortable with her(and even around the other two mentioned above.They rock!).

We reached the optical store,stopped the car in the valet parking and walked towards the store.The store welcomed everyone with "Frames starting at Rs.395 only".
"Welcome Sir!How do I help you?"
I told the guy that I wanted to get the eye testing done and a new pair of specs made.The guy there told me to select the frame of my choice in the mean time as another customer was getting his eyes tested.

"Wat kinda stuff are you lookin for?"
"Frameless "
"Yeah.Good decision."

We started looking around.First the price tag,then the frame."2.5K,2K,3K,3.5K,3.8K,5K,7.2K,9K,10K,11K!What kind of people would wear these?!"
"Whats your budget?"
Just before I was about to react,Sneha spun around and shouted "Is there anyone to help us out or are we left for ourselves!?"
The guy who told me to look around came to us.He asked me for the type of frame I was looking for and when I told him what I wanted,he grabbed a frame from the display and started twisting it.Literally.
"Sir this is from Hugo Boss.Made with Titanium.Very light in weight and very flexible.Definitely a good choice."
I took it from his hand and looked at the price tag and gave it to Sneha.
"10K?Does anyone buy stuff like this?My budget is 2K.I want to get everything made within that range.Do you have that stuff or not?"
The guy smiled and led us to another counter and started pulling out frames for me to try on.
"Is this the stuff you have?Or do you have anything else?"
He turned away from the wall display and rotated a portable stand which was right behind us.
"Try this blue or the red one.They look awesome."
"2K?I still need to get the lens.On top of it there is VAT on this!"
"Kailash.Can you please stop it.It's just a matter of few hundred buck.It's worth spending it."
"I think this black one is good.It costs 895 only."
"The glasses are too big."
"Sir we can get the glass cut to your specification."
"OK.So can I get this type of glass in this frame?",I asked him holding the 2K one and the 895 frame in both my hands.
"Yes Sir that's possible!"
Optimal utilisation of resources for maximum satisfaction.
We were asked to wait for the eye test.Apparently the customer was having a problem deciding whether she found 0.5 better or 0.75 better.

We got back to talking again.After a good five minutes she called the guy and said "Will it take forever?We'll only end up talking here.In the mean while why don't you tell us about the different type of lens you have?"
The guy sat down on the chair facing us and took out a sheet of paper which had a form on one side and which was plain on the other side.
"Sir there are basically three types of lens we offer.Nikon,Kodak and our very own brand of lens.Since you are goin for frameless,I recommend Nikon SLR for you sir.It is 95% unbreakable,is smudge proof,has light transition of 97% and has an anti dust coat too".He went on and on about it and finally said "This costs 2750 and comes with one year warranty."
Before he moved on to the next brand we asked him "Can you please tell us about the cheapest anti-glare lens that I can get here?"
"Sir you can go for our brand of lens which costs you 650.But the thing is that it is 50% breakable and has got 95% transition of light"
"What difference does it make in two percent?"
"Sir it makes a lot of difference!"
"I don't care!All I want is an anti-glare lens."
"Sir you please fill up this form.We can get your test done after this."

After filling up the form I called him.He came,took it from me and said "Sorry sir,we have a power cut right now....."
Screw you!You don't even have a power backup!!!???

We walked into the bakery next door.
Sneha looked around and said "I've never been here.This place looks good!"
She wanted to have a paneer puff.Then she walked towards the pastries section and stood there.A small pastry with a voilet topping looked attractive.
"What is this?"
"Blueberry cheese cake"
"Whatever.I want one."

 There was a couple standing to our left were deciding what to eat.The guy had a hair styling which was originally intended to look dandy but which eventually ended up as a blunder.He had large round eyes which I thought would pop out if he opened his eyes really wide and his upper teeth were protruding forward.He wore a branded casual shirt(bare denim),branded jeans(wrangler),a decent watch and had a high end phone.He looked lost talking to the guy over the counter.The girl on the other hand was fair but kinda looked them.Both of them I feel belong to the category 'all-I-need-is-a-girl/boy-friend' types.
"I want that",the girl said pointing to some coloured pastry.
"How much??"
We were stunned for a moment!(Da!)
"52 rupees"
The boy turned towards the girl and mumbled something.All that we could hear was '52'
Both of them walked out.
"What kind of a boy and what kind of a girl!And how dumb is the girl not to carry any money just because he is there to pay!"

I went to the counter and took the coupon.Sneha was standing and looking at the different cakes on display.There was a particular cake which was round and fully white in colour.On the top,there were thin rectangular slices of chocolate lining the perimiter of the circle like a fence.In the middle there was lot of chocolate in lumps filling up the area inside the fence.
"Doesn't that look like cow dung??"

"Hello.Busy?OK.Listen.How do I end this post?"

"What are you talking about!?Your blog!?How can I guess??"

"Oh yeah.Alright.I'm writing about all the things that happened yesterday"

"Why?What's so interesting in that?Moreover there are much better thing you can write about."

"Don't ask me why.I was bored in the tax class.So I took out my phone and started typing it out.It ended as a big post"

"What happened to the Part-II of your story??"

"That will be out in a day or two.First temme what to do with this post."

"Dude.That's your blog and your post.Write what comes to your mind.The readers are at your mercy"

"Hmmm....k.Will do something.Anyways wassup..................


P.S:For those who are wondering what the story is,here is the link

And for those who are waiting for the next part of the story,all I want to say is that it will be out in a day or two.My tax classes are getting boring day by day.

Friday, May 14, 2010

The Nerds Journey.Part-I

The Summer of 2005........................

"Yes Sir!"
"I will do it!"
"I will study hard!"
"Yes Sir!I won't waste time!"

My parents were listening to him intently.He was giving me a sermon which I think he was used to as a director of a very famous coaching center.After the end of the speech which had repeated lines;he looked at everyone in the room with a sense of achievement.Coast clear.My father paid up the fee while I filled the application form.The clerk made some notes in a book,wrote a number on a piece of paper(227!) and gave it to me.It was a ticket to the jungle.After all no one was to be blamed............I followed the herd like the brain less goat.......

I was standing in front of Mr.Krishnan,in a manner completely contrast to what I'm usually;with a well oiled hair,formals and folded hands.I thought that it was the only way I could impress this Maths teacher so that I could get into his coaching classes;after all who would want a student who scored 5,2 and 0 in the MPC entrance test which is taken by some 2k students every year for some 200 available seats(loosers!).

Mr.Krishnan looked the way every student would fantasize a middle aged maths teacher as.A 6 footer,he had a pot belly which he usually hid under the table while sitting.He had faint hair on his 'to-be-bald' head and  wore the old fashioned idly sized,thick glasses.If not for his pot belly,he had a well built body with broad shoulders and strong limbs.With a commanding voice,he carried himself with an air of authority.

I was given the evening batch.The two and half month crash course was for 6 hours daily(!!!) with an hours break in the middle.This consumed the whole of my summer after my Xth exams.So the whole household was sitting in Hyderabad without any sort of entertainment after the harrowing mugging up of text books,endless revisions of the previous papers and infinite number of exams.After all I had to prepare for competitive exams coming my way.....

Competitive exams.It'a an exam for getting into a vehicle.Every student(and parent) wanted to get into a 'big'(famous) car which could hit 'great speeds '(good coaching).It was only after the engine started that everyone realised that the ride isn't smooth.The coaching was for getting into a 'better' coaching center,which would train the 11th's and 12th's for getting into 'famous' engineering that the kid would study well and later in life,sit in a cabin bugging,debugging and writing algorithms;live on EMI's;marry another engineer and produce engineers.After all, Indians are born logical.........

                                                                     *  *  *
It was half past two in the evening when the temperature was hovering around 40C.I was waiting for Reddy my auto guy.He came blowing his horn ten minutes later.I grabbed my bad and walked swiftly towards the auto.From a distance I saw others in the auto and could make out that there were some two girls and two guys.The girls were sitting on the seat while the guys were sitting on the plank facing the girls.I got near the vehicle and looked at everyone with a smiling face.No one even cared to look at me.One guy moved his butt a bit and offered me some space where only my leg would fit in.I looked at the auto walah with a face which said 'This is what I get for 100 bucks a day!?'.I shared the drivers seat with him.I was very thankful to him because he wasn't that ghutka eating,stingy mouthed and the red-fluid spitting guy.

The drive to the insti was silent;except for when the fat girl(later i learnt that her name was Nisha) broke the silence.She started talking about the things she heard about Krishnan Sir,his son Madhavan,some physics lecturer named Ranganath and others.My friends who attended their year long classes since eighth used to tell us a lot about them;the way they taught stuff,the way they hid meanings in their talk,and the way they used to punish the students.Now half the reason I got into this institute was due to the what I heard about them and their ways.I wanted to have some fun after all.

We reached our insti at around 3.15 p.m.The building in which our classes were located looked like a lost child.It was situated on the main road of the famous Nallakunta area(famous for an infinite coaching classes of this kind) amidst the traffic chaos,impatient drivers blowing their horns,street vendors selling their wares at the top of their voices and local & distant trains running at all times during the day.Added to this,the building looked in a way no man would ever dare to get into.The entrance to the building welcomed us with a rusted shutter ready to fall on someone at anytime.There was an open space for parking bicycles and vehicles and the stairs were to the right of the entrance.There was a narrow path behind the stairs for more vehicles.There was a guy shouting and directing everyone to park their vehicles in an order.

Our classes were on the third floor.There was one guy standing with few sheets of paper directing the students to their respective class rooms;the same guy who gave me my ticket to hell the other day.I showed him my piece of paper and he said "6!Go left" in a serious tone without looking at my face.The others from my auto were directed to different rooms in different directions.The fat girl was asked to go upstairs.There were class rooms even on the terrace.

I walked down the narrow corridor.The class rooms had no windows.They were small with cramped benches and with students packed to the brim.I was walking looking at the room numbers on my left.'1,2,3,4,5.....'.The room next to room no.5 was closed and had no number on it.I 'logically' thought that it was room no.6 when someone behind me shouted "That's the girls toilet!".I backed away instantly and turned back to see room no.6!My class room was facing the girls toilet!

My class room faced the black board and the entrance faced the board.So for those sitting in the front can't see those walking in and walking out.Since our class room was the last in the row,we had a window large enough for two people to jump out at once.The guy who warned me was Akhil from my room.He was a thin being with fair complexion,a very cheerful face and of average height.He pointed at the space beside him and I sat down.Were were sitting on the last bench.He said "I came here very early and walked into the girls toilet by mistake.Thankfully there was no one!".I smiled and thanked him.He asked me to move in so that I could give space for a third guy(the bench was only for two).I was happy to see that KKP from my school was in the same room!With him,it's serious fun(KKP is the person because of whom I got scolded by all the teachers in my eight.Notorious,intelligent and a very funny guy.He even broke my nose once.)

We were talking when someone walked in.It was time for the classes to start.So we stood up thinking that he was a lecturer.The guy who walked in silently sat down besides me.Me,Akhil and KKP looked at each other,chuckled and sat down.

Later Mr.Krishnan walked in.It was time for the ride!!!!!!!!!!!!!

                                                     To be continued..............


Wednesday, April 28, 2010

The MakeOver-A nerd's experience as a virtual barber

My mailbox was had nothing but bullshit!As a matter of fact,ever mail box does!

Though i keep opening it regularly,(I'm talking per hour basis) it still showed me 3479 unread messages.So i thought that it was time i give it a proper hair cut,trim some nails,wax few limbs and get it to a proper shape.So I became a beautician for the next three hours...I wanted my girl to look the way I want her to.......

And my work started.

Newsletters were many.They were from some websites I signed up previously(for no reason).The first thing I did was unsubscribe from them.They were courteous enough to give me a link to do that.

The next category of mails is from the social networking sites.Invitations to play farmville,wage some mafia wars,join groups(in fact I first couldn't decide whether to join 'Separate Telangana' or 'United Andhra' group.I went for the latter),support some cause,comments on posts,pictures.....what else and what not!Alas!People have started growing farms on their desktops!

In the midst of these are mails from few who send mails giving you sermons for life!(as if a single mail can change the way you live and think.My mom still shouts at me for not tidying my room.She has been doing this for the past 20 years and she will continue to do it till I get married and my wife starts hitting me for the same :P)Dude,send me those only after you succeed with those principles in life!

Another category of mails which annoys me the most are mails with pictures of gods which say "Send this to 20 people in the next 10 minutes.Otherwise bad luck will follow you!".Get some life guys!God is not tracking that mail!Is he really workless to curse you for no reason?First of all he is searching for people whom he can bless.There is a serious shortage of people doing something 'good'.On top of it,he is facing competition from the 'human' gods,coz the public at large are contended with blessings of gurus who do meditation in the morning and have sex in the evening,and those who cough up idols,produce gold,and who make ash using their fingers and not by burning wood(i think they have some environmental awareness).The worst part of it is that they pay those gurus for that when our own God is giving it to us for 'free'.

The next category of mails is the 'money making' mails.Why do you think that a dedicated wife would sit in-front of the computer and forward mails telling everyone that her husband is dying?All that she gets(according to the mail) is a mere 10 paise for every forward.It would take approximately 20 lakh mails for her to arrange a reasonably good amount of money for the treatment.By the time she gets the money is arranged,the requirement would only double or triple(and as if Yahoo has enough money to pay her and many others like her...........)

In addition to these are the promotions.I seriously don't know how these big companies can literally 'waste' so much of man power and money on their promotion.I use the word waste coz I can say without pausing even for a moment that 99% of us don't even care to open it.(I left the 1% because there are a few who are happy to find some mail or the other in their mail boxes).On top of that we are chased by them while watching TV,on the FM networks,through irritating phone calls during odd hours,SMS,in the newspapers,while standing in the bus,while sitting in the plane,while walking on the road,and even when pissing in the train!!!!!

Want Viagra at 80% off??Look into the Spam mail.From medical stuff to internet accounts,Spam is the best place for those people who want some real stuff!The positive aspect of the sex industry is the R&D that goes into developing products which increase the pleasure in a man or a woman.Every step takes them to a 'higher' level.Look at the range of products they offer man!(even girls.There are many in store for you too).I strongly feel that an A C Nielson committee should be appointed to make a monetary estimation of that industry.Atleast legalising it will bring the Government additional revenues in form of 'service' tax' and 'customs duty'.

Of many,the last category i would like to quote are mails from strangers telling me that their grandfathers had given my grandfather some money to be invested for making a profitable return,and that the investment has now become some millions!All that he wants is a mere 25%(of a few millions according to him) That would be the last thing that would happen to anyone! Who would want the Income Tax people to come knocking on your door and charge you for the taxes your fore-fathers didn't pay!(with interest of course.The tax payable may even turn out to be larger than what you would get!)

In the midst of these mails lie the cherished ones....It's like finding an Indian in Pakistan :P...........They are the mails which radiate love,share joy,and make you feel closer to the other person......They are not mails.They are what?For me....Invaluable!!!!! 

Monday, April 26, 2010

Learning from others mistakes?Look through the nerds eye....

The other day I was reading about the 'drama' by a Hyderabad based NRI involved in the scam of money laundering.The person being the director of 'City Limousines Ltd.' reportedly accepted deposits to the tune of Rs.1,500 crores and.....yeah your right.He ran away with the money.

This isn't the first time that such a thing has happened.The promise of large returns has always lured the middle class to invest blindly.

Lets work out a simple math.The banks offer a return of 8% on the fixed deposits.These fraudsters attract you with a RoI @ 16%.That means that the companies should at least earn a return of 27-30% on the investment to pay the deposit holders,meet other expenses and pocket a handsome profit.This in turn means that the person doing business with the company has to earn 36% on his investment to survive.Why would a person shell out that extra money when there are others offering him the same for a much lesser price!?So with the cash losses mounting,the directors have got no other option but to run away with what is remaining.Hard earned money is down the drain.....No.It's in others pockets.....

This happened before.People don't learnt from others mistakes.....

Lets take another example.

Few months ago,a doctor got an e-mail from an unknown person which said that the doctor had won 50K GBP in a lottery(lott of money!) and that he had to mail the reply to the person via e-mail to claim the money.The doctor shelled out money so that the person could clear 'legal' barriers and send him the lottery amount.What happened next is something everyone knows...
A few days later,a software engineer(yes our very own Hi-Tech walah) was duped on the same lines.

People don't learnt from others mistakes.....

Lets take another scenario.The Global recession.

The internet boom started in the 1990's.People were buying computers and taking internet connections(telephone lines provided by VSNL with a 'free' e-mail id).Business started with websites.This saw the formation of JV's which saw investors putting in money heavily in the website business.BOOM!It wasn't long before the famous 'dotcom burst'.

Coming to our Global Recession.The real estate boom saw excess lending on the same security(Subprime crisis-Citi Bank).MBS were brought by major banks in Europe and America.The liquidity crunch followed with the real estate crashing,and mortgagees unable to pay up their loans.Liquidity crunch followed and thus the 'recession' phase of the economic cycle started all over the world.

I'm not saying that the dotcom burst had something to do with the GR.The common factor in the above two examples is high expectations of high returns.The bubble eventually has to burst........

Nothing was learnt from previous mistakes....

By using a wee bit of commonsense and learning from others lessons,many other situations like above can be prevented.You don't need an educational qualification nor a great work experience to take decisions in situations that you come across in daily life.After all Indians are born logical!(That's the reason why the IT industry is booming with our engineers writing algos,bugging and debugging.On the other hand the number of patents pending approval are 716 compared to 40k from the US and 30k from China.)

It's only that we have to look at a situation with an eye of spotting a loop hole,as Sherlock Holmes says "I was looking for it!"


Le début

I've been obsessed.Completely obsessed.

Don't know what's got into my mind lately, but I've been dying to write.My finger tips have become sore due to constant messaging.My tongue is running dry after hours and hours of crap talk.Blogging my brains out looked like a good option.

So why name it 'nerd base'?
Well.That's what I'm well known as among my friends (pity those who don't know me for what I am!Well I'm proud of it though :P).

The next question.What's that I'm gonna write?
For God sake,I have no idea.But one thing people(Whoof!i'm already using a plural!)please try to put up with my weired sense of humor.Remember that you are on a nerd base.

That's all for now.Want to write more,but it struck me just now that I have my Univ exam tomorrow.Gtg!


Note:I don't think that I have to write that this is my first hand at blogging.