Thursday, April 28, 2011

Ten point something.

Ten points to keep in mind to be a typical Indian 'young' and ‘famous’ novel writer.
  1. Disown the story
Start by saying that your piece of work is not a real life incident or a work of fiction. Tell them that it was either told to you by an auto-walah or a bus-conductor to pass time during the hectic traffic hours or that you found a personal diary blocking the flush in your bathroom.
  1. Your hero is employed. Preferably in a BPO.
The protagonist of your story is just a graduate, who has attended college to lose his virginity to a local girl. Make sure that he is employed in a job which doesn't work during the normal office hours(a BPO always fits this bill. Even the job of a male hooker does.)
Or your hero is a super-duper genius, graduating and post graduating from the top universities and B-schools, landing in a job (not on day zero)
  1. Now that you have chosen the type you want
If your hero belongs to the first category, he should be continuously checking out girls, two-time his girlfriend, drink lots of caffeine, listen to English music and should blow up money much to the dissatisfaction of his lower-middle class parents.
Coming to the second category, his work place should be at his girlfriends’ city, he has to go around licking his superiors ass (with competition from his colleagues), he should try winning his to-be-in-laws hearts and a should be not-so-good worker.
  1. Pardon me! The heroin!
For category one hero: His girl-friend-in-focus should be either from his office or a girl he has met through his friends at a local bar or the maid of honor when your hero was the best man at his friend’s wedding. She should be from a totally different culture and from a totally different part of the country where even our hero’s forefathers haven’t visited for picnic.
For category two: Let's put in some decency. The girl should be from the same toppe college, hot, outgoing and should have been in a live-in-relationship with our guy for atleast an year in college.
  1. Sex, sex and more sex
This holds the pulse. Try to put in as much as possible and make it as erotic as say 'Letters to penthouse.'
Category one hero’s should be out banging every weekend and class two hero’s should throughout their college (Don't forget the weekends later).Innovative, romantic and crazy ideas are well taken by the GenX. Orgy’s and swaps haven't been tried as yet. May be you can.
  1. The soap family
Family should be from the middle-class.
Mother should be traditional, god fearing, horoscope believer and a caste lover. She should be so caring that our hero finds it pretty irritating.
Father should be a government employee, due for retirement and should be a person who 'tries' talking to our hero once in a while (You know. Just to keep him in our pages) and has to be a person who is disappointed by our 'too-modern-an-outlook' hero. Sometimes he can be a tale twister too.
Cousins. The hero’s uncle/mothers elder brother should be a rich guy who has just married his daughter to some wealthy, undeserving guy and should help our hero’s mother find some wealthy matches with a handsome dowry. Other cousins who do nothing but show off to our hero’s mother making her more disappointed should be a part of the story.
  1. Siblings!
They are a part of the family but let me elucidate a bit.
Siblings should be sisters and should preferably belong to the younger generation so that mother can keep reminding our hero that he has a task on hand while the sister goes looking for a much older guy who is married and divorced with kids. This gives a feeling to our hero that he is somewhat sane when compared to other characters in his life.
  1. How to proceed?
I leave the story to you. But please see to it that you have all the above ingredients in place. Else you can sell your book for 95 rupees.
  1. The End?
Happy ending is a must, either by hook or crook. Don't worry even if the whole family of our hero and heroine are devastated or even if their parents disown them. Suppose our class one hero is kicked out of the 'in focus' girl friends life, see to it that he finds a girl before you pen down the last paragraph of your story.
  1. That's it?
Oh no! Please don't forget to write in the ‘Authors Note’ that you were a loser all your life and this book is your life saver. Dedication is your choice.(Be nice atleast here. Dedicate it to your parents and teachers)
Or if you think you have done well in life, write that you have an unsatisfactory job and you have written a book just to kick the boredom.

Well. That’s your checklist young writers (Trust me. Suppose I go for one, I'll for sure follow the above points).Happy scribbling!

P.S: I'm a fan of Chetan Bhagat.
And I think I forgot about the  character ‘friends’. They are the only support to our hero, his classmates and also ‘glass’mates. Try giving the utmost importance or you will be doomed! And please remember that abuses are a must.


  1. Now that you have got all the ingredients right, where is the book?

  2. Well.Easier said than done!Takes time,doesn't it?

  3. interesting... you must read a book called "Oh shit! Not again!" by Mandar Kokate. i wanna see your reaction for that!


So....What do you think?